( seconds tick by. precious time is being lost with every moment he's here with her, instead of inside the shed with the body. andy's help isn't needed. he can do this alone. that's how it is. exile is in his blood. on this strange and endless ocean, he drifts alone. every triumph that shines and every failure that cuts is on his head. help is rarely bestowed; the currents douse any burning bushes, so he's forced to rely on himself. he breaks his own bones, flays his skin, and pokes his eyes out for plans, stratagems, and shortcuts. he tests, prods, and thinks until success, even if it takes hundreds of trips. but that can't be relied upon. any trip on the currents could be his last, and does he want it to end on the painful note of failure?
no, that's why he does it alone. he has no one else to rely on but himself. that's how it is.
but who knows the churns of the deep blue sea? only he who's at the end knows how the currents roll to and fro. this time, he might get by without andy's help. but what of next time? next time, he might not be smart enough, or strong enough, or quick enough, or β or he won't be enough, and he'll fail and fail and fail. one foot is always in the past, the other in the future, and his mind's in the present, trying to make sense of it.
he needs her.
the moon is big in the sky tonight, and he looks at it, sighing. this far out from civilization, the silence becomes deafening. thoughts echo and take flight on their own. he wonders β he considers the possibility of that. he who plans, tests, and thinks every movement and emotion. take a leap of faith and let the words come as they do. no dress rehearsal, no edits, no white-out. only a slight hesitation as though he's calculating the chances that she'll swing at him as he leans close to her. it's not him β it'll never be him β but his ribs are fanned open enough to catch a peek of his heart, scarred and mangled.
his hands grip her shoulders, dusting off dirt. he kisses her forehead, where, sometimes, good ideas spring forward, like athena from zeus. )
I'm awful. ( then he moves down to kiss her brow, always pinched with irritation. ) Selfish. ( his mouth brushes against her left cheek, usually damp and salty with tears. ) Greedy. ( now, it's time for the right cheek, flushed from laughter. ) I take and need, and what do you get? Nothing. ( his lips hover over hers, like a butterfly fluttering over a flower, and his rough, callused palms holds her face. he wipes some dirt from her cheek with his thumb. ) I never want to hurt you.
( scarred and mangled as his heart is, does it still beat? are these lies that drip softly and sweetly from his lips, or the truth, hard and bitter? but lies are never always bad, and the truth is never always good. most of the time, people only care about being right, whether it's true or well-earned. he takes and needs, and what does andy get? kisses sprinkled between pretty words β lies or truths that break and flay, or offer the satisfaction of being right. that's for her to judge. all he can give is his version of the truth, no more alive than the poor stiff in the shed, but also brimming with intrigue and discovery. that's all he's ever been able to offer: distraction and a little frivolity from the long, cold tedium of life. )
[ it might have been a mercy if he'd just left her there to her kingdom of dirt and self-loathing. that pain, she had expected β she could accept the bruised ego, the sting of rejection. separation. anger could have cauterized those wounds β let them scar down into bitterness. she could survive that. she has before.
but the hope β the radiant ache of it, how it surges into her throat just to feel the weight of his hands on her shoulders, to find it still familiar despite the long decades β she can barely stand it. the terrible tenderness of it all β how he kisses her face with such reverence as to rival mary magdalene when she knelt at the feet of the fucking christ.
some part of her resents him for it. because she knows it isn't just simple sentiment β it never is with jack. and she resents herself too, because it doesn't matter a fucking lick that she knows. it still works on her. it probably will for the next thousand years at least. and by then, he'll have found another way to take her apart. hell, she'll have shown him how. the last six millennia wasn't enough to teach her any better, and she can't help wanting to offer up all her fucking soft spots when it means he might touch her gently once in a while.
it's just the inevitable injury of letting someone close enough to be known.
screws her over good at the negotiating table too. they both understand how this will go now. maybe it was always going to go this way, no matter how much she kicks and screams and tells him to fuck himself. there's no leverage she can muster against the minute space between their mouths.
he says he never wants to hurt her. but the ache underneath her sternum just then feels like it might split her in two. it's only by an inch that stubborn pride lets her turn her head away, breaking his hold on her. a futile act of defiance. the walls have already crumbled. no seven day march β just four chaste kisses, and jericho lays bare at jack's mercy.
her voice comes out rough and quiet: ]
It's not nothing.
[ if she tries, maybe she can catch a glimpse of that red myocardium inside his chest, that battered thing beneath the bone β and maybe, if she tries, she can imagine there's a little sliver of it that still belongs to her. ]
Just tell me what you want me to do. [ a sidelong glance then. ] Or show me.
( the hound's eyes are sharper than her age would indicate, easily spotting his lie in the trees and among the truths, half-truths, half-lies, twisted facts, and omitted information that he burrows under to camouflage and hide his real thoughts and feelings. at some point, there had been fewer trees, fewer branches that stretched forth with canopies of leaves that blocked out the sun and darkened the ground below. fewer birds singing and chittering and distracting and annoying and confusing, too. it was simpler then, to spot and uncover the truth from him. less hurt, less shame, and less suspicion burdened him, but less insight and less prudence as well. the mist from the currents blinded him, and, in a way, it still does. he swims blindly, gasping for air and maybe the truth. or a satisfying and believable enough lie that can placate his exhausted muscles to stop and rest against the surging waves. a gust of wind to take him further, or another anchor around his ankle to pull him down more? this far out, does it really matter? there's nothing ahead of him but endless currents. neither honesty nor duplicity will shrink the ocean or dry up the river that cuts through those numerous and imposing trees. he's too lost to escape; his mind is only focused on how to burrow, camouflage, and hide.
his laugh rings loudly in the night air. the rumble in his chest shakes loose the cobwebs in his lungs, pulling and stretching the muscles of his mouth to a sharp smirk. )
Oh, don't be a Gloomy Gus. ( he takes off her hat, kisses the top of her head, and plops it back on. ) After this, I'll buy you a drink, and you can regale me with tales from your travels.
( not that he expects much divulgence from her. not that he wants any divulgence. it's always a mystery which version of each other comes sweeping along the currents. beautiful singing creatures that shine with youth and optimism, or abandoned shipwrecks that creak and moan. for his part, it's always a mystery which version of himself he sees in the distance: a lighthouse that's faint in the fog and yet bright enough to draw him closer until he smashes into rocks. on every trip on the current, he has to contend with the consequences of whatever version preceded him, and on every trip, he has to consider how this version's consequences will affect the next. sometimes, the consequences are a slap across his face; or a gun's barrel or a blade to his throat. sometimes, it's a smile or a hug from a new old friend. but always, there's a harsh and painful blow of reality when he learns that there are still more trips on the currents left for him. faith in a safe return home is how he survives β or is it delusion? is there a difference? but it's a question he doesn't need to answer if andy doesn't speak about which version she knew last. ignorance is how he actually survives.
stepping behind her, he snatches up his hat and jacket from the ground and brushes off the dirt. blood and mud are caked on both articles of clothing; a patchwork of the consequences that led to this moment. he hands them to andy. )
Hold these? And keep an eye on the door. Cigarettes are in the front pocket.
( not that he smokes, the urge from several hours ago having been extinguished with a stomp. out here, though, cigarettes are a currency, sometimes even more valuable than cold and impersonal money. it's an invitation to people to relax and spill their story. humans crave intimacy and kinship, even out here on the brink of civilization. the cigarettes might come in handy when he begins to question people.
but he won't know who to question and about what until he gets into the shed and examines the body. the enormity of the task ahead of him weighs on his mind. the possibility of failure is a shadow he can never shake. swimming blindly is all he can do. he's far too out to do anything else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
no, that's why he does it alone. he has no one else to rely on but himself. that's how it is.
but who knows the churns of the deep blue sea? only he who's at the end knows how the currents roll to and fro. this time, he might get by without andy's help. but what of next time? next time, he might not be smart enough, or strong enough, or quick enough, or β or he won't be enough, and he'll fail and fail and fail. one foot is always in the past, the other in the future, and his mind's in the present, trying to make sense of it.
he needs her.
the moon is big in the sky tonight, and he looks at it, sighing. this far out from civilization, the silence becomes deafening. thoughts echo and take flight on their own. he wonders β he considers the possibility of that. he who plans, tests, and thinks every movement and emotion. take a leap of faith and let the words come as they do. no dress rehearsal, no edits, no white-out. only a slight hesitation as though he's calculating the chances that she'll swing at him as he leans close to her. it's not him β it'll never be him β but his ribs are fanned open enough to catch a peek of his heart, scarred and mangled.
his hands grip her shoulders, dusting off dirt. he kisses her forehead, where, sometimes, good ideas spring forward, like athena from zeus. )
I'm awful. ( then he moves down to kiss her brow, always pinched with irritation. ) Selfish. ( his mouth brushes against her left cheek, usually damp and salty with tears. ) Greedy. ( now, it's time for the right cheek, flushed from laughter. ) I take and need, and what do you get? Nothing. ( his lips hover over hers, like a butterfly fluttering over a flower, and his rough, callused palms holds her face. he wipes some dirt from her cheek with his thumb. ) I never want to hurt you.
( scarred and mangled as his heart is, does it still beat? are these lies that drip softly and sweetly from his lips, or the truth, hard and bitter? but lies are never always bad, and the truth is never always good. most of the time, people only care about being right, whether it's true or well-earned. he takes and needs, and what does andy get? kisses sprinkled between pretty words β lies or truths that break and flay, or offer the satisfaction of being right. that's for her to judge. all he can give is his version of the truth, no more alive than the poor stiff in the shed, but also brimming with intrigue and discovery. that's all he's ever been able to offer: distraction and a little frivolity from the long, cold tedium of life. )
no subject
but the hope β the radiant ache of it, how it surges into her throat just to feel the weight of his hands on her shoulders, to find it still familiar despite the long decades β she can barely stand it. the terrible tenderness of it all β how he kisses her face with such reverence as to rival mary magdalene when she knelt at the feet of the fucking christ.
some part of her resents him for it. because she knows it isn't just simple sentiment β it never is with jack. and she resents herself too, because it doesn't matter a fucking lick that she knows. it still works on her. it probably will for the next thousand years at least. and by then, he'll have found another way to take her apart. hell, she'll have shown him how. the last six millennia wasn't enough to teach her any better, and she can't help wanting to offer up all her fucking soft spots when it means he might touch her gently once in a while.
it's just the inevitable injury of letting someone close enough to be known.
screws her over good at the negotiating table too. they both understand how this will go now. maybe it was always going to go this way, no matter how much she kicks and screams and tells him to fuck himself. there's no leverage she can muster against the minute space between their mouths.
he says he never wants to hurt her. but the ache underneath her sternum just then feels like it might split her in two. it's only by an inch that stubborn pride lets her turn her head away, breaking his hold on her. a futile act of defiance. the walls have already crumbled. no seven day march β just four chaste kisses, and jericho lays bare at jack's mercy.
her voice comes out rough and quiet: ]
It's not nothing.
[ if she tries, maybe she can catch a glimpse of that red myocardium inside his chest, that battered thing beneath the bone β and maybe, if she tries, she can imagine there's a little sliver of it that still belongs to her. ]
Just tell me what you want me to do. [ a sidelong glance then. ] Or show me.
no subject
his laugh rings loudly in the night air. the rumble in his chest shakes loose the cobwebs in his lungs, pulling and stretching the muscles of his mouth to a sharp smirk. )
Oh, don't be a Gloomy Gus. ( he takes off her hat, kisses the top of her head, and plops it back on. ) After this, I'll buy you a drink, and you can regale me with tales from your travels.
( not that he expects much divulgence from her. not that he wants any divulgence. it's always a mystery which version of each other comes sweeping along the currents. beautiful singing creatures that shine with youth and optimism, or abandoned shipwrecks that creak and moan. for his part, it's always a mystery which version of himself he sees in the distance: a lighthouse that's faint in the fog and yet bright enough to draw him closer until he smashes into rocks. on every trip on the current, he has to contend with the consequences of whatever version preceded him, and on every trip, he has to consider how this version's consequences will affect the next. sometimes, the consequences are a slap across his face; or a gun's barrel or a blade to his throat. sometimes, it's a smile or a hug from a new old friend. but always, there's a harsh and painful blow of reality when he learns that there are still more trips on the currents left for him. faith in a safe return home is how he survives β or is it delusion? is there a difference? but it's a question he doesn't need to answer if andy doesn't speak about which version she knew last. ignorance is how he actually survives.
stepping behind her, he snatches up his hat and jacket from the ground and brushes off the dirt. blood and mud are caked on both articles of clothing; a patchwork of the consequences that led to this moment. he hands them to andy. )
Hold these? And keep an eye on the door. Cigarettes are in the front pocket.
( not that he smokes, the urge from several hours ago having been extinguished with a stomp. out here, though, cigarettes are a currency, sometimes even more valuable than cold and impersonal money. it's an invitation to people to relax and spill their story. humans crave intimacy and kinship, even out here on the brink of civilization. the cigarettes might come in handy when he begins to question people.
but he won't know who to question and about what until he gets into the shed and examines the body. the enormity of the task ahead of him weighs on his mind. the possibility of failure is a shadow he can never shake. swimming blindly is all he can do. he's far too out to do anything else.
he enters the shed. )